One wonders why the royal guards didn't comment when they frisked Elud and felt 18 inches of rigid steel in his pants. Instead of strapping it to his back, Ehud chose to tie it to his thigh. Our hero Ehud came up with the idea of concealing a weapon by strapping it to his body several thousand years before John McClane did in Die Hard. They say that history repeats itself, and this verse illustrates that clearly. If anything, however, it makes Moses' deadly intervention all the more justified. When it speaks of the Egyptian beating the Hebrew slave, you have no choice but to imagine him turkey slapping the man. Once you've read this, it is impossible to go back and read the above story of Moses killing the Egyptian guy the same way. This passage creates a problem for many new Bible readers. That was their statement to the world: "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair." They even invented the phallic obelisk to advertise it (picture the Washington Monument, that's an obelisk). Egyptian ruins are littered with statues like the one on the right (this one is Min, the god of huge dong-having). The old Egyptians didn't exactly run from their reputation. So, you know their reputation for supreme endowment was well earned when the worst their enemies could say was, "Go on! Go back to those big-cocked bastards! I hope you're happy with their enormous dongs." Keep in mind, the Egyptians were the Jews' former slave masters and are the bad guys in this story.
This verse is particularly explicit, though, informing us that Egyptians are hung like farmyard animals, and can ejaculate in quantities to rival the annual flooding of the Nile. In fact, the entire Song of Solomon is dedicated to describing a couple getting it on, complete with lines like "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers". He'd just repeat the whole thing over and over until he got bored.Ĭontrary to what you may think, the Bible has never shied away from talking about sex. It's unknown whether Elisha had this power in life, as well as death, but we like to think he did and that he had the habit of killing his victims with bears, resurrecting them, and then promptly re-summoning the bears to kill them, again. II Kings 13:20-21 tells us that when a dead body was thrown into his tomb and touched Elisha's bones, it sprang back to life.
It should be pointed out that even after his death, Elisha continued to kick ass. It's a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis.Įvery year in Israel, divine-bear attacks kill over 500 children. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. out of them.Ĭhristians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today's kids in line, but we beg to differ. Invoking the name of God, he summons mother.ing bears to come and claw the. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah's Obi-Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. You're walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young bastards start hurling abuse at you. Moses later defeated the Egyptian Pharaoh, who, if we remember correctly, had been using Hebrew slaves to construct a 40-foot-high armored battle suit capable of launching nuclear missiles to anywhere in the world. Moses, seen here, is about to murder the hell out of an unsuspecting Egyptian. "Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew." As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man's neck with one savage twist.
You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count. Most people don't know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher-a well-honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet. Here are the verses that make us want to take to the streets and put some unbelievers to the sword.
#KICK ASS CIV 5 TORRENT FULL#
It turns out, the Bible is already chock full of ass kicking. If the Bible had been written by King Leonidas and the rest of the Spartans from 300, it would probably read pretty much the same as it does now.
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